Undeserving

Saw this poem. How I feel and how a lot of us should feel.

Undeserving
by Janet Martin

I don't deserve the countless gifts
God showers down on me
Storehouses over flowing
With love abundantly
In tender smiles and soft warm hugs
In sleepy-sighed good-nights
In flowers, showers, lady-bugs
In whispered breaths of light

I don't deserve the color blue
In endless azure sky
The earth that gleams in emerald hue
To please the longing eye
A-thousand, thousand shades of green
Splashed from a heavenly palette
And I am somewhere in-between
I stand in awe of You, Lord

No man can paint one leaf or flower
Or alter Your great plan
No man can touch Your awesome power
Or have the means to span
The distance between green and blue
And heaven up above
No man can ever replace You
Or Your redeeming love

I don't deserve Your mercy, Lord
Or treasures of this earth
Nothing I do could once afford
What Your great love is worth
Humbly I bow before Your throne
To count my utter loss
And see the wonder of Your Son
Hanging on the cross

I don't deserve amazing grace
A love that never dies
But there I see it in Your face
And shining from the skies
As love in all its countless forms
You shower on my way
I don't deserve a single one
….You bless me anyway

Emotionally Drained

Today was a hard day for emotions.
My warm, salt-stained tears.
My mind running in full commotion.
The heart raging with 1000 fears.

Continuing the Ride

Hey people,

It's been a while. I know. But even though I haven't been blogging I definitely have been on my grind. It hasn't been a game. I'm so focused and those that have been around me lately have seen that. There have been so many changes in my life. Those good, those bad, those that brought joy, those that brought pain. But all of it has pushed and catapulted me to work harder and focus on me. I needed to some "me" time to make ME better. I think you all can appreciate that. Right?

Well, let's update you guys. In October, MaineDrama Productions became an official company and received its LLC. OMG! Still working on some more paperwork, but we are here and plan to be here for a long time. I still can't believe that this time in my life has arrived. It's amazing. I remember dreaming about this, talking about this with friends in undergrad in Silver Diner. And now look, the time has come for things to start and move forward.

I've been working pretty hard on the next project. It's going to be a good one. Can't reveal too much about it but keep on the lookout for updates, statuses, and info. Thanks for going on the ride with me so far, hope you stay on for the rest.

No Apologies, No Regrets

Life takes some crazy turns, but you pick up the pieces and learn along the way. It's months later and I still get comments, kudos, and praises about Count It All Joy. That, to me, is amazing. People ask if I am putting it on again; if I am taking it on tour; when's the next project.

Now I am working on my next project and, although the first project is under my belt, all the nervousness is still there. But I always say that nerves are a good thing. Shows that you are still passionate about what you are doing.

I don't want to give away too many details about the next project but it is one that I am so passionate about seeing on stage. I have been for years now. For those who I have discussed this project with, I could have spoken to them for hours about what I envision. All the ideas and results that I want to see come out of this. I could go on. I just want to see people's lives changed by what I do. I want to see people be better and do better because of what I do. This is what drives me to keep pressing on when all odds are against me.

Life has been hitting me pretty hard lately and my playwriting is my release. I couldn't think of a better way to have some mental therapy. So on to the next project. On to the next set of people that will be touched and affected by my vision. On to whatever God has next. No apologies, no regrets.

Oldie but Goodie

I read this the other day. Hadn't done so in a long time. As I remembered, it was one of my favorite pieces written. Hope you enjoy.

Let me preface by saying that this isn't directed to one person...this is just a "response" to a mix of things. A response on behalf of a lot of friends who have been sharing their stories with me.

Let me chat with you for a second
As I share the thoughts within my mind.
Just answer the call and beckon
Of my heart's verbal twine.

I sit and ponder the limited answers
To my life's many questions.
Questions that plague my body like a cancer
And I'm supposed to take it as a life lesson?

How can I find joy in the midst of all this pain?
How can I move on with the weight I must bare?
How can I keep moving when my heart's been torn and slain?
How can I love when there's no emotion to spare?

From the hurt of it to you.
To the deception and the lies.
From the mask you bore as true.
To the (false) hopes I saw in your eyes.

So I try to keep it moving.
In tow...my dignity and pride.
No more of my time am I losing
Because you can't lose your male ego stride.

You talk a lot of game.
Wanting to be friends, and that's so swell.
When all that talk is really lame
And your cheap relationship can go to hell.

Come on, let's be serious here.
Time you did not lack.
And all the time you heard my tears,
Your ignorance was a slap!

A slap to my face as you ignored my call,
And I stand looking dismayed.
As you stand mighty and tall,
And my pain doesn't seem to have you phased?

I can't keep crying out
Hoping that you take simple notice.
I need a different route
Cuz obviously I'm not the center of your focus.

And what a shame that thing is
Since I should be your prize and jewel.
But my love, it is not his
Since he obviously had me fooled.

My Advice:
So if they walk by you with a confident swag
And got you feeling confident and cool.
Be careful, they may be a douche bag
And leave you looking like an utter tool.

...Guess you had me fooled...

?

Why are doing certain things so difficult to do?

Still in the making

I just got back from a missions trip to the Dominican Republic. I spent 8 days on this island. Most people go there to vacation, but I spent my time ministering to people and witnessing this island in a manner that most people don't even consider. This trip was coordinated through McLean Bible Church. I went down there with the purpose of stepping. Everyone kept saying that it would change my life but I didn't expect how much.

I went with a group of people two days ahead to work at a camp. Literally, we got off the plane and headed straight to the camp. After stepping, the camp held workshops and we taught the kids how to step. They were too excited to learn the steps! Every spare moment that they got, they would come up to us to show what they picked up or learned!


On Sunday the rest of the group got in and on Monday, the hard work began. When I say, it was long days, it was long days! But all worth it. On our first day, we went to Hondorous and stepped. It was a bit frustrating at first because as soon as the Word came forth, the people began to scatter. But you had to keep going. After the program was done, we played and interacted with the people there. It was hard because there were a limited number of translators. So you wanted to say so much more but were limited by the language barrier. Communication had to become inventive to say the least!








On Wednesday, we went to a Dayschool and stepped for the children. As soon as we walked through the gates, they just ran up to you and hugged you. That action alone made me smile from ear to ear. After stepping, Dale Sutherland, the youth pastor at McLean, asked us to go with him into one of the villages. We were going to see one of the homes of the children at the Dayschool and possibly step for the people in the village. However, walking through the village, stepping was the furthest thing from my mind. One of the little boys that we met at the school was ten years old, but because of malnutrition looked like he was 6 or 7. He had a men's clothing, so was swimming in them. And his home...a small shack.



My heart just ached. They just "replaced" their roof and even the replacement had holes in it. So when it rained, the inside of their home got wet. Their floor was the dirt ground, so water and the dirt...not a good mix. We went into a couple other homes in that same village. It would be a large room, separated by sheets. You would have two beds for 8 people living in that home. This was how they survived and yet we complain because our mattress is a bit lumpy. That was an emotionally heavy day for me.

On Thursday we went to Jackie's House, an orphanage. Unfortunately, I wasn't feeling too well that day so I couldn't interact with the kids as much as I wanted. But all of them were so excited and active. There was this one little girl there, Pearla. She had gotten to the house around 3am that morning after getting surgery on her trachea. You would not have known it! She was bouncing all around that place. And then I met Rosemary. Her mother gave birth to her in the Dump. Literally, the place where the trashmen dump all of the garbage. Her mother and twin sister died.



At the end of the visit we all gathered around the kids to pray. And Israel prayed. Israel was one of the first kids I met when I got there. Mike Kelsey had told me about him and sent some things for him. So I went to give it to him and was just radically encouraged by his testimony. They asked Israel to pray for us and when he began to pray, with the kids repeating his prayer, the entire place was moved. It brought me to tears. Israel wants to spread the gospel and go wherever he leads him to go. How can you not be inspired by that?



After leaving Jackie's House, we went to the Dump. All these kids and adults from the village piled into this church to see the program. It was hot, flies everywhere, and this was how they lived.



Friday was our last day there. That afternoon there was a bit of a mixup and we ended up at one of the construction sites. We had heard about this house all week. It sat on a hill and had dirt floors. When it rained, the floors in the home turned into mud and water ran through their house. The little boy that lived in the home had to have a worm irrigated from his ear because he would sleep on the dirt floor.


For about an hour and a half we sat with some of the people in this village and just talked about God, about their living conditions, how they survive. Despite all of that, they said that Jesus is what sustains them. They can take solace in God despite their situations and yet we complain to God and feel that He owes us more. They say, "God has kept me." We face issues and say, "God how could you?" How selfish are we? After our conversations with them we headed for the bus. I turned around and saw this...their backyard.






The night ended with us throwing a party for some of the kids from one of the orphanages. They came to the hotel for the party. As we lined up waiting for them, someone came in and said, "They are taking a while because they have never seen an elevator and they all want to ride up in one." They came in and we cheered. We stepped for them and then we presented the workers of the orphanages with some rewards and gifts.








Then we presented all of the kids with backpacks full of stuff and a new outfit.




I was completely humbled by this trip. It really made me take a hard look at myself. It made me want to do more. While I don't feel the call to be in the field, I need to find out what I can do from here. Whether that is supporting a local organization or just talking to others about what they can do. I left asking, "God, what next?" I don't want to be on this high and then forget my whole experience. I don't want it to be a waste.


You can check out the rest of the pictures of my trip on Facebook.