FAIL?!?!?!

Rehearsals started this week and this week alone I have confronted soooo many issues. I feel like everytime I turn a corner, BAM, there's something else. It's so difficult and makes me question everything.

Is this the right time?
Will there ever be a right time?
Am I being punished for something I've done?
Was I hasty in my decisions?
Why is something always going wrong?
Should I call this whole thing off?
Should I give up?
Is this too hard?

I'm sure anyone that has started something that is close to their heart has been faced with these questions. And to be honest, I'm still asking them. But as much as all of the outside circumstances would tell me to throw in the towel, there is that nagging feeling in my gut that just won't let me let it go. How much greater and sweeter the end result when I pull this off.

When no one else will, I just need to keep encouraging myself that this CAN be done.

A Dream Realized...Almost

Yeah, it's been a while. I know. Life has been amazingly busy! And now we are into April with rehearsals starting in less than a month. As we get closer and closer to the rehearsal dates, we move closer and closer to showtime. That scares the crap out of me. There is still so much to do. And with a job, extracurricular, and trying to lead some kind of social life here and there, the hours in the day run out quickly. I won't spout off my laundry list, but trust, there is still much to do.

I'm grateful for the people that God has placed around me to help put this production on. I am truly blessed to be given what I have when, in all other circumstances, this would be an impossibility. This is just the beginning. And I think that's what makes this production so nerve-wrecking for me. It's the realization of a dream. How many people can actually say that they are seeing what they desire and dream come into fruition? What started off as an idea in my head to discussing it with three friends at Silver Diner is materializing. I just don't want to screw any of it up. My work, my dreams, my hopes, on display for everyone to see and criticize. At the end of the day I know that my only goal is to please Him, but you still want people to like it, right?

What is the biggest motivation for me is seeing my friends around me who are pushing towards their dreams as well. It says to me, if they can do it Tramaine, so can you. And I know I can. If I fall and mess up, get up, learn from it, and keep moving. At the end of the day, I can't imagine doing anything else with me life. I love it!

Next Chapter

Things have been kind of tough lately. Tough in the sense of employment. I am working and am grateful for the chance to take care of my responsibilities, but I am soooo unhappy and really want a change. I have been on my grind trying to find something new, but nothing. And to be honest, I've been applying to a lot of things that would keep me comfortable. They have my interest, but not all of them are directly related to the arts. It's becoming so frustrating that I just am really questioning, "God, what else do you want me to do? Where else am I suppose to look?"

I was talking to someone today and we were talking about passions and I think that's just it right there. I really need to just jump after my passion. I don't know where to begin, but I have to start the search. That may mean more rejections, that may mean being pulled out of my comfort zone, that may mean moving to another state. I have no clue. And I know because of all the MaineDrama stuff I've been doing I have been so tied to this area, thinking that if I moved that would be the end of this production company. There goes my connections, my know, the ease of it all. But if this is what I am passionate about then wherever I go, this company will follow. May be a little bit harder, but wouldn't it be worth it?

So to the next chapter, where that leads me...I honestly don't know.

Cabin Fever

As most of the country is aware, the DMV has been dumped upon with the white stuff. And when we get a sign of relief another wave sets in. It was cute at first, but then it began to cancel plans and eat away at one's sanity. I spent the first batch of the snow with some friends and that definitely helped to pass the time and make for great conversation. However, as for MaineDrama Production business, all of that had to be placed on hold. Scripts were to go out and the next phase rolling, but what kind of person would I be to try and make people (let alone myself) to come out in that horrendous blizzard for a few sheets of paper? A crazy one! (It's okay, I answered for you.)

Now the second wave has hit and once again we are on lock down in our homes. The cabin fever, varying levels of creativity, claustrophobia, countless hours of TV/movie watching, and the like set in. This would be a supreme time to really catch up on things that I should be doing. MD work that needs to be done. But there lies the problem, a lot of what I need to do, I need to be out of the house to do it, lol. So, okay, this is a time when maybe I need to take a breather from it all before it really begins to pick up. And for that, I can be patient and relax. So, I'm trying to take this time of confinement as a time to reflect, spend more time with my Maker so that I make the right decisions concerning everything else, and just write. Develop the serenity that I definitely need in my life.

Round 2...Down...But Not Out

So last Friday I held the second round of auditions for the play. It was a necessity. While we had a good turnout for the first round, we didn't get all of the people that we needed to complete the cast. But no fear, I pressed on and decided to hold a second round. We advertised, posted, word of mouth, etc. And the response was awesome! I had a long list of people that were coming to audition. Things were looking positive. I was going to fill all of my remaining slots and have extras! Woo Hoo! WRONG!

Do you know only two people showed up! TWO! But the surprising thing is, even though I was disappointed, I wasn't worried. At all! I had such peace about it all. And the two people that came in did their thing and filled two very needed spots. As I began to discuss the situation with my director, we brainstormed and thought, "How can we remedy this?" But when you are doing something for someone who is bigger than you, when you are doing something that you were destined and created to do, you don't have to do much to make it happen. Within one day we were able to fill 5 slots out of 7. 5 of which were main characters. I'm so at peace right now. And it is all falling into place.

It's like I said before...when you are doing what you were intended to do, there will always be monkey-wrenches thrown in there somewhere. The true test is how you respond to it all. I could have freaked out, shut things down, thought that this wasn't going to happen. But then what would that say about me? How would I grow and learn how to deal with adversity if I quickly threw in the towel?

So I guess I should take a lesson from my own play...Count It All Joy.

James 1:2-4 MSG
2-4Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

Like A Champion

This past weekend my sorority had a retreat called Dove S.P.A. This year's theme was More Than Skin Deep. During the sessions of the weekend, the speakers and committee challenged us to look within ourselves. Forcing us to be better women in every aspect of the word. That is a condensed version and doesn't really do it justice, but you get the point. By the end of the weekend, I took away so much, more than I expected...what I didn't expect.

It's crazy how God orchestrates certain things in your life. I met sisters that I didn't know that shared some of the same common interests, creating bonds that I see as long-lasting. And for those sisters that are already close to me, I feel as though our relationship strengthened even further. All ties that, for me, I know I will need.

I have been pretty transparent as to the struggles thus far with this whole process of producing my first production. However, many of the struggles that I have mentioned have been anxiety, stress, or people interactions. I haven't really talked about the emotional and spiritual journey that this entire thing has been taking me on (in addition to other areas within my life). Many of those burdens I took with me this weekend. I felt removed and as if I would just fail at life. That I was not as strong and confident as I should be to do this. But by the end of it, I was able to let go and release a lot of troubles out of my hand and put it (and leave it!) in God's.

Have you ever felt like that? That you were carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders? And right before you felt like you were about to hit the ground, something or someone comes along to help lift that burden. And it's like you can breathe again. Like your chest just opened up and all of this fresh air just rushed in. Well, I was able to make some room in this head of mine and just let my thoughts be.

This journey will be rough, there will be obstacles along the way. As I conquer one mole hill, I'll come across a mountain. But what I'm learning is that I not only have to recognize the battles, fight them and leave them there, in that moment. To trust that God will provide every direction, every step and open every door. He wouldn't be taking me on this journey if He did not already have the resources for me. I just have to be confident in that and not stress my life out! And by doing that, the rest will fall in place. I emotionally and spiritually won't be stressed out. Those things won't fall last on my list and get the least of my attention because I have entrusted everything else to the One that can and will work it all out.

As my weekend was winding down and I was checking out of my hotel, a friend of mine sent me a text message. Again, speaking to God's timing, it was so appropriate and sent to me at the right time. And as simple as the words were, it was exactly what I needed. I leave them with you:

"I hated every minute of training, but I said, 'Don't quit!' Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion."- Ali

Second Round of Auditions!

Pass it along!