Blindfolded

Wrote this piece to get something off my chest about an important relationship, or lack thereof, in my life. This is my therapy...

Blindfolded, gagged and bound
Dazed, confused, and lost
Held captive in this hallow place
No escape route or savior in sight.
Not sure what got me here.
Not moving because of my fear.

Sitting here scared and bewildered
I question how I let this happen.
To let my captor come in,
To trust so easily and let down my guard.
I put up no fight,
Assuming that this familiar face would do me right.

Always present,
Feeding me lies masked as promises.
Desperate for this love,
Life continues as if on repeat.
Now my hopelessness is buried deep inside,
Surface level, tough exterior to mask my pride.

On the interior I cry out for your attention.
Puzzled how you cannot hear nor understand.
Someone that deserves your undivided observation,
But one minute from you is hard to obtain.
So further and further this wall I built,
Not one bit of hesitation, not one ounce of guilt.

Content I became with the decisions I made.
Feeling as though I had some control.
Moments passed by when weakness crept in.
Quickly I shook them off and my façade I regained.
Comfort and notions of acceptance,
A lifestyle that I believe I deserved as penance.

So when my captor showed up at my door,
For a moment I forgot what I had built so high.
Thinking that this was the moment of true redemption.
That I would gain what I desired and justly deserved.
But my hopes were dashed as I was taken captive,
Dreams destroyed and a future that looks negative.

In that weak moment, my captor got the best of me.
By the time I tried to fight back, I had no handle.
My grip had slipped and I was overpowered.
Taken down and knocked out from the fall,
I lay there lifeless, ready to give in;
Everything goes dark and the torture begins.

Maybe this is what I am worthy of.
My justice or someone’s warranted revenge.
While my initial reaction is to struggle and react,
Part of me wonders what’s the point?
This is a place that, in a way, seems like common ground,
And I feel that this trip is not my final round.

Blindfolded, gagged and bound
Dazed, confused, and lost
Held captive in this hallow place
No escape route or savior in sight.
Not sure what got me here.
Not moving because of my fear.

On to the next one

The auditions were tonight and they went well. We still have some hurdles to overcome but I am confident that everything will work out. It's funny because whenever you are moving towards accomplishing a goal or moving in the direction that you want, everything in the universe comes against you to stop it. This week has been exactly that for me. Let's recap...shall we.

Monday: Work was nothing but a big stress out. I am trying to solve this issue at my job and just can't seem to find a solution for it.

Wednesday: I had a little tiff in my house within myself. I restrained myself from doing what I really wanted to do...praise God. But I was really about to go IN and on someone. I'll leave it at that.

But the topper of them all came on Thursday. I went to the future location of the play to take care of some business. While there I had a chat with someone. The conversation went something like this:

Reliable Source: So the discussion of your play came up in a meeting yesterday. Mr. Big-Wig asked if Rescuer and Stop-shorts read the play. Rescuer was upfront and honest, said that they read a couple of pages but not the whole thing. However, Stop-shorts said, with real authority, "the issue with this play is that no one gets saved at the end."

Me: Are you freaking kidding me?! That alone tells me that Stop-shorts DID NOT read this play. If Stop-shorts read it, they would have seen that everyone in this play is already saved. This isn't a salvation play. This play is about a family struggling with their faith through adversity. They find resolve at the end of the play.

Reliable Source: Well, that is what was said and Mr. Big-Wig was like, Rescuer and Stop-shorts, you all handle/fix it.

Me: I'm just baffled that someone could not read the play and then sit there and say such a bold-face lie!

Reliable Source: Well, what you need to do is just cover your bases. Give me a copy of the script with a brief synopsis. It'll be fine.

I am so grateful that I was able to find this out and just do what I needed to ensure that all the ducks remain in a row. Whenever you are doing what you are supposed to, people/situations/circumstances, would love to see you not make it there. But I was definitely about to CATCH A CASE. I think I was upset because I took that as a real offense! But, que sera sera.

On to the next one...

The Anxieties!

Things have been moving along well and I couldn't be more excited about it. But the closer and closer I move towards realizing a dream of mine, the more and more I think of failure and falling short.

This play is just a small piece of the larger puzzle. This play begins the journey that I will embark to start something that sparked in me a few short years ago. To see how an idea of mine spawned into this elaborate detail brings delight to my spirit. I remember wondering how I wanted to do this, the different motions that my ideas went through, sitting in Silver Diner with three friends discussing how we would come together to make it happen. Now the time has approached. Everything that I have experienced between now and then has been preparation for this. Doesn't that seem a little nerve-wrecking?



I embrace each challenge, even though I may complain through it. I look forward to the next journey. But as the dream grows and I take one step closer towards it, there are more obstacles that appear. I can't help but to have the questions of "what if I fail?" or "what if this isn't exactly how I'm suppose to do it?" or "what if I'm just wasting my time?"

For that last one, I know I'm not wasting time. I was created to do this. I was born to do this. If I wasn't pursuing this then I would be living a meaningless life, and then there would be no point in existing. So I ask that you continue to keep me in your thoughts, keep encouraging me, keep pushing me along. Whenever you are pursuing your dreams wholeheartedly, the anxieties are mounting!

Auditions!

Too ecstatic! The audition date is set and we are a go! Check out the flier!

And The Winner Is...

Stephanie Brackins!!!!


Thank you to all who participated and sent me their ideas for the One-Liner Contest.

Stephanie gave me a line that I thought really captured the idea I was going for with MaineDrama Productions.

So thank you again everyone and Stephanie...your prize is soon to come! Yes, there is a prize for you.

MaineDrama Productions: Mainstream without Compromise

The One-Liner Contest

Ok you guys, I need your help. Things are moving along quite nicely and I am really excited about that one. The venue locked. Logo done. Business cards, soon to be. All the moving parts are moving.

Here's the thing, I need a slogan. A one liner. A phrase that captivates what MaineDrama Productions is all about. I envision this company to be something that is cutting edge, out-of-the-box, transcendent. Not your cliche plays but something that touches all people, all issues, at any level. Now, how do I say that in one line, lol?

I need your help. Post, facebook me, email me, twitter it, anything. I hope to have something by Friday.

And to the person that gets their one-liner picked...you will have my deepest gratitude, admiration and respect. I'll even shout you out at the premiere of the play (come on, I'm just starting out, were you expecting cash? lol).

Let the one-liners begin!

Unexpected Surprises

Too excited! I got a venue! Things were looking a bit grim there for a second and I didn't know where I was going to go or how I was going to get the money to do it. I didn't stop trusting that something was going to work out but I sure didn't know how it was going to happen.

Today I had a meeting and the conversation went something like this:

Me: Here is a copy of the script and I need to set up a meeting with Mr. Plan B so that I can make this happen.

Rescuer: Mr. Plan B is going to charge you way too much money. Just have it here.

Me: I tried to go down that route and it was a fail.

Rescuer: Well, Mr. Big Wig told me about it and you have my full support, so let's do it. We can have it at this location. No money will come out of your pocket. We just got new lighting. When do you want to do it?

Me: I'm looking at July.

Rescuer: Oh, we can definitely do that. Ok, just start doing what you need to on your end. Venue is yours.

Can we say HALLELUJAH!!!!!! I'm so completely grateful for the unexpected surprises. Now that I have been blessed with this, I need to make sure that I use it well. On to the next steps in this process. Auditions, here we come.

It's Not About You

Yesterday I went to one of Zion's small groups. At the end of the lesson we began to speak about how sometimes you are placed in certain situations that you cannot understand. For the life of you, you cannot figure it out. In the meantime, you are frustrated, annoyed, angry, shut off, etc. with God and whoever else is up in the place. You cannot see why you are there and why things won't change for the better.

I fell victim to this and had to come up out of it, QUICK!

I couldn't understand my current circumstances and got real bitter for it. But then someone said, it's because you aren't there for you. Ahhhh! Not rocket science. Everything that I was angry for before was all selfish. I'm upset. I'm unhappy. I'm frustrated. I'm annoyed. I'm ready to move on. But I was so stuck on me that I almost missed the opportunities that were surrounding me. Whether or not it was to help someone else, be an example, create a connection, whatever.

At my current job I met this woman and I know it was God-appointed. She is willing to help me with this whole production thing; give me free marketing, help me advertise, the whole nine. All because she wants to help and believes in what I am trying to do. And to think, if I remained selfish, was unwilling to let my circumstance be, put my hand all up in it, I most likely would have missed this awesome opportunity.

So my encouragement for all of you that don't understand why you are where you are: you probably aren't there for you. Allow yourself to be used and be open to whatever may come along. You don't know how it is going to help you out in the end. It's not about you.

Ode to my Friends

I talked about it briefly in my last post, but I thought that I just needed to say it again. I LOVE MY FRIENDS! And I'm talking about my real friends. I'm talking about the ones that have always been there. The ones that tell me about myself, even when I don't want to hear about it. The ones that are there through thick and thin. The ones that keep my accountable. My true friends. I could probably count them on one hand, and I'm okay with that.

It seems like it is the season for thanking friends, but in this week alone I have seen the qualities in my friends that I truly and completely cherish. I couldn't imagine them not being a part of my life. The thing is, I couldn't really have true friends until I was at peace with myself. Until I was able to recognize my flaws and work towards changing them. Note: I did not say get rid of or completely fix them, but know that they are there and be willing to change them. When I was able to do that, I was able to truly let the ones closest to me be an actual friend. The ones that stuck around, pushed through, and helped to build me into a better woman.

They fit different categories, each accomplishing and filling some necessity in my life. Each part fitting together to complete me entirely. I feel so blessed for each one of them and the greatness and challenges that come with.

I love you all. Thank you!

If we have not peace within ourselves, it is in vain to seek it from outward sources.--La Rochefoucauld

Attention Deficit Disorder

I have so many goals for my life and this company is just one of them. I also joke with my friends and family and tell them that I have ADD with my life goals. But, I'm okay with that. I figure, if I have the time and resources to do it, then why not?

I recently had a meeting with an individual about another goal that I would like to accomplish. I'm keeping the details on the hush for now (until I know for sure), but I am excruciatingly excited about it. Others may not see how this goal connects with everything that I want to do, but I see the pattern. There's a method to my madness. In all of this I am completely grateful for certain individuals in my life that encourage my goals and keep me focused. That came with time and wisdom. Learning how to nurture some friendships, let others go, and let certain ones go through the motions. But to those individuals, you know exactly who you are, thank you.

Back to the subject at hand: it's amazing when things finally start to fall into place and you see how all the scattered pieces are finally beginning to fit. I was talking to a friend last night and he reminded me of a motto that I deemed for myself in undergrad.

"Delayed...Right on Time."

For the longest time I couldn't see how all of the pieces fit or find the missing pieces at that. Hence why I thought I had ADD with my life! But, just because it doesn't makes sense immediately, happen immediately, it happens right when it is supposed to. And that makes it even better.

So bring on all the random pieces, eventually, I'll find the right spot.

Back to the Drawing Board

This weekend was full and jam-packed. But, in the midst of all that craziness I spoke with an individual about the whole venue situation. The conversation went something like this (names were changed, of course, lol):

Me: Hey, did you get my text?

Messenger: Yeah, and I know that she is focused on another project that is coming up in December. And she hasn't read your entire play. And when she finally gets to it, she still has to go and speak with Mr. Big-Wig and wait from a response. And Mr. Big-Wig is dragging his foot on anything right now because of the financial status of everything.

Me: Oh, ok.

Messenger: So, you should probably just look somewhere else, to be on the safe-side. Who knows when she will get back to you. Probably won't be until after December.

Me: (insert side eye)

I think what made me so upset was the fact that this individual (the person I was waiting on, not the messenger) sought me out and asked about the possibility of doing my play in this venue. So now I have lost a month of looking elsewhere and raising necessary funds.

I was upset about the fact that I lost having a free venue, light, sound, and crew. But, Ms. Renee Williamson and Mr. Ryan Harrison helped me get back on track! Thanks guys. I may be down, but not out. It's a set back, but I will face those. So onward I go. Yes, this sucks, but if this is a strong desire of mine, I can't let anything stop me. I leave you with two quotes that I think really apply now.

What is defeat? Nothing but education; nothing but the first steps to something better.
Proverb

Sweet are the uses of adversity,
Which like the toad, ugly and venomous,
Wears yet a precious jewel in his head.
William Shakespeare

MaineDrama in the making...

For the past couple of days I have been on an emotional ride. It's been hard to focus on things that I need to because of present circumstances. For the past year and a half I have been battling some issues. Within the last couple of days, they have really been rearing their ugly heads. While I have found encouragement and distractions here and there, they are never long-lasting. Even to the point where I creatively don't feel like I can do what I need to do.

As I pursue one big goal of mine, there are many things that are trying to throw me ten steps back. I understand and recognize this but can't help but fall victim to it from time to time.

I called this blog "MaineDrama in the making..." to talk about my journey to start my own production company and produce my first play. But I realized that MaineDrama is not only a company but a new me. Different from undergrad. Different from two years ago. Different even from a couple of months ago. MaineDrama is ever-evolving.

I am trying to fight the roadblocks and keep moving closer to what I can see myself achieving. But there are definitely those moments when the creativity stops, the motivation stops, the thought that I can do this stops.

MaineDrama in the making...a little bigger than I thought.

Time to Change the Game

Last night I went to a gospel play. I will leave out the name and where I saw it to protect the innocent, but it was HORRIBLE! And I really tried to take off my critical cap but even then, it was really, really bad. Between the horrendous acting and the side commentary from the lady in the row behind me, my friends and I gave away two hours we will never get back.

After a few jokes and chuckles, I really contemplated what I had seen. And again, it made me angry. Most gospel plays are not done well. At all! Or these loose their original message to cater to the entertainment value for the audience. Most excuses for this lackluster approach is that as long as we get the message out, we have done the work of the Lawd! Or they feel that because they are doing it for God, they can just get up and go (with no kind of training in what they are doing). But, to me, because it is in His name that is exactly why your best foot should be put forward. This play had a powerful message, but for many, I'm sure it was diluted or lost because of the lack of excellence in the execution.

This is one of the main reasons why I really want to get into the Gospel arena and change the game. Christianity isn't wack and neither should the acting that goes on stage. Everything done in excellence. This is something that has been ingrained in me and just won't go away. I refuse to let my production(s) go on stage and it not be done with excellence.

SCREAMING

I wrote "Count it all Joy" back in 2005. I tried to produce it but to no avail. Something always got in the way and prevented me from going all the way. Whether it was people or just my laziness, it wouldn't happen. Funny, I was lazy about producing a passion and dream of mine. Says a lot, doesn't it? Guess that just wasn't the time for me to do it. And I would rather it be in perfect timing. Then I left for school, so I had no choice but to put the production on hold.

Now that I've moved back home, I was driven more than ever to get this done. I said, "Ok Tramaine, this time, no excuses. You have nothing that's keeping you from doing this but you." And yes, there is no one keeping me from doing this but me, but along the way other people get in the way as well. Now, I preface this by saying that I am not bashing anyone, but there have been many times when I just wanted to SCREAM!!!! But when you are working on other people's time, and things are going as quickly as you would like, it's frustrating. And, can I really get upset when they are helping me out? No, but that still doesn't keep my inner soul from wanting to belt out.

On August 15th, I had a Reading Party for my play. I invited a select group of individuals to come out and read through my play, acting out the characters. At the end of the reading, everyone would write down any constructive criticisms that they may have so that I could go back and make the play even better. Leading up to this day, getting the room was no easy feat. Pricing and getting the food for the event wasn't either. The day of the event I went to get the food, get all the materials together, pick up someone, and get to College Park within two hours. Needless to say, some arguments were had that morning. The Party was a success, but afterwards things just seemed to slow down, tremendously. I've been trying to solidify a venue since the week after the reading. For a month, I've been waiting to hear back from someone. Once again, I am grateful for this opportunity because, if they agree, I can get a venue, sound, light, crew for free. What a blessing. But my impatient self is like, "IT'S BEEN A MONTH. WHAT'S THE WORD DUDE?!"

It's been a slow process and I would love to see things move more quickly. But things don't always just fall into place and I'm learning that. Plus, my patience is always being tested and what better process to learn it in, right? (Please note the hint of sarcasm, lol.) I'm grateful for this process and I know I have to learn as I go, but that still doesn't stop me from wanting to just SCREAM at times!

Lost

I wrote this piece a couple of days ago. Was going through the emotional motions. Ever since moving back from Pittsburgh and trying to figure out this whole "doing what I was created to do thing", I've hit a lot of bumps in the road. I guess that comes with the territory. How does the saying go, "Anything worth doing never comes easy", or something like that. I question God a lot. Don't get me wrong, I never think that what He does is wrong, but I also don't think that He gets upset with us to ask questions. And I've been doing a lot of that since moving back. Questioning my move. Questioning what the next step should be. Questioning if I'm making the right decisions, heading in the right direction. Just asking a lot of questions to the point that I feel like a real scater-brained at times. So I wrote this piece to sum up some of my feelings. I posted it on Facebook but wanted to share it here as well.

Lost

Lost...
I'm lost in a place that I used to know so well.
Thought I had every turn and corner memorized.
Figured I had every face burned and etched into my memory.
But familiar became predictable,
And predictable became boring.

So off I went.
Venturing into new lands.
Distant quarters.
Running away from it to only be lost again.
Lost...
In new territory, trying to figure it all out.
Those new turns and corners.
New faces.
Myself.

But time ran out and, while lessons were learned,
I returned to the familiar.
Ready to embrace what I missed.
What I once was so ready to escape.
But I returned to see that it's not so familiar anymore.
Did it change or did I?
So I sit in familiar even more lost than I was before.
No directions.
No help.
No aide.
Lost...

Does this make sense at all?
I ran from lost into lost only to return.
Am I picking up too soon?
Not settling long enough?
Not sitting still?
What decisions should I make?
You see all of the questions that I have?

Don't I seem just a bit lost?

Doing the right thing?

So I've been pulled into the blogging world. Didn't happen out of being a follower, but wanting to find new territory to express my process. I never was into blogs but then it seemed as though all of my friends began blogging about their lives or just randomness. And as I read each of their blogs, I was pulled into their world, even if just for the few minutes that it took me to read their post. So I decided to join the bandwagon. Use this as an opportunity to talk about my process as I try to fulfill my dream.

Starting a production company came to me a couple of years ago. I had been all over the place about what I wanted to do with my life. I always joke that I have ADD with my lifetime goals. But my rationale is, Why Not? If I can do it and had the vision to do it, then let's go! In the end, my love would be to produce out-of-the-box plays and have a venue where I can produce all the plays that are birthed in me. With this I've begun the process.

I wrote my first play in 2005 and now I am in the beginning stages of producing it. Exciting, yet scary at the same time. It looks like it may be up and running in July 2010. Be on the look out and in the process, be ready to hear my journey and frustration that I will go through as I experience it. MaineDrama in the making....am I doing the right thing?